[STORY] she pulled her pant (episode 1-10)


Ushhhhhhhh… Ashhhhh”…. Take it easy, you are
hurting me.”
She sang into my ears.
What I heard was:
“Do it faster, I need it faster… Harder!!!”
Me just stepped on the pedal and pumped away. I
was hitting her deeply, paying with her inner cacus.
The sensation I was receiving was really worth all the
suffering I had gone through just to get her.
“I will sue you for Molesting me o”
She said breathlessly as I turned her round and
began the canine style on her. Sue who? Me? She
never jam. I would be the first to sue her. I know
you guys might think I am crazy, but I am not. Oya,
let me rewind it so you will know why I would want
to sue her.
I had met her in an internet cafe. I was already done
browsing but the time still remained. Internet cafe
these days no longer install that software that
automatically shuts you down when your time is
over. It was really that good.
I lifted my head to look at the cafe attendant, just to
determine his position. He was seated concentrating.
Lol, my mind went back to when I was a cafe
attendant. All my spare time were used in watching
por’n online. I believed that was the exact thing he
was doing.
“How much is 30 minutes”
I heard a lovely voice said. I looked up again to
behold the loveliest face I had ever seen. She was
not fat and was also not on the slim side. Just my
exact kind of woman. I was perplexed. Now, I
wanted to approach her but my liver had ran away
from my body. It was just me, I and my world.
She had settled down after purchasing an hour of
browsing time. I was watching her. The first place
she entered was facebook. I was excited. I peeped
and saw her name, searched for her immediately
and added her. She received me almost
immediately. I sent her a message.
“Hi, can I have your number please?”
She replied.
“LOL”
Bleep it. I was trying to put words together in my
head when…
“Oga, you time don finish o.”
Chineke. No problem. I was happy I had established
contact. What remains is to go through her ABOUT
and find out if her number is there.
I got home and could not sleep. I could not even eat
and I had sweat pouring all over me. Wait, no mind
that statement there, I am only trying to sound
poetic. I ate all I wanted, had a perfect dream and
was so relaxed my sweat glands began protesting.
All through, I was busy thinking about this girl. Her
beautiful features. Her smile, don’t ask me how I got
to know how her smile looks. Owk, I will tell you.
When I requested for her number, she looked at me
and smiled. Which green light green pass wetin she
gimme abeg?
I got to the office on Monday morning and quickly
went to the history of our chats. Like say we even
chat many self. I clicked on her name and whoosaa,
her page flew open. I did the first thing. Scroll
through her pictures. They were all stuning and I was
busy clapping in my mind. I had landed jackpot.
“Attai, why are you smiling like a fish na?”
My colleague asked me. I looked at him. He was
always this pastor type and me was always thinking
and feeling that he is a virgin. Lol, a man being a
virgin.
“O boy, na one babe wey I hammer o. Her own don
finish”
I replied him.
“See, Attai, you need to change. Following women is
not good. You have a bright future ahead of you.”
He advised.
“See this man. Tell me say you no fuucckk pass me
for your past life na”
I asked him.
He just shook his head and wanted to walk away. I
stopped him with my speech.
“If na Jesus now, him no go give up on me like you
just do o. Your hell fire go so hot pass my own
because I go lay allegations for your head on
judgment day wella”
I said.
He shook his head the more, like he was planning to
clear it.
“Attai, may God forgive you”
And in the catholic fashion, I replied..
“And also you”.
Now that is bad. I kept looking at the pictures,
imagining her lying on the bed Unclad. How would
her Kitty-Cat look like? Kai, I was already fuucckking
her before I got my hands on her. My dicckk from all
those thoughts had become as hard as iron and I was
sweating under the AC. See me o. Me wey no sweat
before, na me wan begin sweat now, no lele sha.
“Attai, madam dey call you”
Me? Yesu, I don enter. How I wan carry go face that
woman now. See as my pole wire just tanda dey
salute my tight plain trouser. No ask me o, I dey like
make my trousers dey hug me sometimes. Sha, the
girls for my office don teach me lesson. Anytime
them see me, na to dey look my preek.
“Ma, you sent for me”
I spoke in my oyibo-film induced English. Who would
not want to impress an American-trained
professional? Her English self and the way she dey
carry talk am make me know say Ishilove and
Princesa still dey kindergarten for Use of English.
“Yes I did”
Imagine say na Queen Elizabeth dey yan this one.
You know how Englishmen dey speak their English
na. That kind Harry Potter them. Well, Naija women
wey school for America dey speak Britannica, me
wey school for Kano and don watch all the American
gangster movies must speak like them na.

[nextpage title=”Episode 2″]
She come dey look me for face, na small small her
eyes wan go where my dicckk just pam for inside
where the dicckk dey frustrate dey stretch imself. I
just carry style do like say I wan fold my hands for
front make she talk wetin she wan talk make I go
continue my work. Na so I adjust my face like say I
be the most serious person for this world. My mind
walai, dey recite psalms and hymns make the preek
go down but for where?
“I want you to check my mailbox, there is an
attachment there. Print it for me.”
Na so I nod head waka comot from her office o. I no
wan hear say person poo come ask me make I smell
am. I know my pidgin English is really difficult to
comprehend but how will I put it for you guys to
understand my feelings better.
I went back to my table, opened yahoomail and
logged in Madam’s account. It was filled with more
than a million emails. Most of which were sent by
scammers. I wonder why them crazy scammers
would want to scam someone who is a lady and still
use,
“I am Miss Trisha P. I lost my father in the war in
senegal and he left 200 Billion Dollars for me”
Seriously, it is foolish to scam someone with such a
huge amount of money. I can’t fall for such
scamming. Instead I will fall for far lesser amount.
“Kpulup”
If you use facebook well, you will understand this
sound. I always have my earpiece on my ears
whenever I’m in front of the system. This is to alert
me whenever there is a message. I jumped madam’s
task and browsed facebook.
“New Message from Perpetual”
Was boldly displayed on the tab above. Hmmmm…
Great. I quickly clicked in order to see the message.
“Hi”
The message read.
I was confused o. Is it that this babe has fallen for
me? Hmm… I am not priding myself as handsome o,
but I have one weapon. Being fair. You know, your
colour can break barriers. Yeah, put 6 people and let
one be fair among them. You will notice the fair
person first. Such was it o. I chose only dark guys as
friends so babes will always see me. Kapish?
“Hallo”
I did not wait for her to reply, I quickly composed
this and sent…
“I dreamed that power was given to me. I was meant
to do something with it but with all the power
something still lacked.”
I stopped there.
“Are you a poet?”
She asked me.
Bingo!!! Yellow fineboy and also a poet, you see
combination? I only hid the being a Writer aspect
from her.
“I won’t say yes but looking at your pictures inspire
me. I could become the president of Nigeria by just
meditating on your pictures”
I replied.
“Haaaaaaa… You are flattering me oo”
She screamed-typed.
“Me? No o. I am saying the truth as was just revealed
to me by an angel just now. He said you left them in
heaven and he has been sent to monitor you. Guess
what?”
I typed.
“….Wat (with a squeezed faced emoticon)
“He said I am the right person for you”
I typed back.
Next thing I saw on the screen was…
“OK.. Bye!!!”
Yeah… Una know the reaction. I was shocked and for
once, regretted being a poet. If only I had known.
I just dey look blankly at my screen. What
happened? What did I say wrong? Well, I shrugged
and went back to checking Madam’s mailbox. I
printed what she wanted and took it to her. She
smiled, collected it and told me to be careful with
women. Since she was the superior and na Madam-
Staff relationship, I just muttered OK and walked
back to my table.
My day was as spoilt as rotten egg, the computer self
was looking at me with a scowl on its face. Na small,
I for break am but I no get anger problem like
Sexkillz, so I just maintain. I was in that state when
my phone started ringing. I looked at the screen and
discovered it was a new number. I had never seen it
before. Ok, let me break it down for you guys.
NPA, Nigeria Players Association, back me up on this.
I have multiple girls that gives me toto when ever I
am conjigated. Now, calls come in all the time and I
have to be on the safer side. How do I achieve this? I
don’t save their numbers with names. All I do is look
hard at the digits and the combination gets into my
brain. Me I sabi cram o but I no too good for maths.
Another thing, I call everybody baby. Even if I am
speaking to my sister on the phone, the moment I
pick it up, I say…
“Baby, what’s up?”
So the babes just get used to it.
“Hello, Attai on the line”
I do this most time to avoid saying hello and passing
through interrogations o.
“Hy, it’s me”
Celine Dion na learner where this voice dey o. I
opened my mouth but not a sound came out. I was
trying to process the musical notes I had just heard
into words.
“Sorry please. Who?”
I was fuuccking polite. Who knows, it could be Agbani
Darego calling.
“Perpetual”
Now I was more stunned than any stunned person.
My brain went into hyper-drive, I needed ideas.
“Yeahhhhhhhhhh…”
I cleared my throat.
“Your voice sounds different”
I said into my mouth-piece.
“Yeah, I had cough that day”
Kai… Now I gats play my ball well.
“If the voice I heard that day had cough, this is just
recovering from cough, what happens when you
recover fully?”
She laughed silently. That blew my breath away.
“You are funny and I like you.”
Una know the rest na….

[nextpage title=”Episode 3″]
felt I had struck jackpot. My heart leaped and to be
candid with you guys, I saw it performing acrobatics.
Chei, I was a circus performer at heart. I was busy
smiling when..
“Attai, are you there?”
I heard that beautiful voice again. You know that
feeling na? When after walking under a scorching
sun, someone gives you very chilled pure-water to
drink. You know how you will sip the water little by
little to preserve it. That was how I wanted to
preserve the moment. I was savouring each sound of
her voice.
“I am but my spirit, soul and body transformed by
cosmic powers is seated close to you. Angel, your
voice can make a man do things that will make the
world question him later”
I dropped that one. Seriously, I did not know when I
said that. It just came out.
“You are flattering me again ba. Okay, bye”
And did I beg her not to drop the call? Nope. I know
say I don get her and nothing she fit do again. She
was already within my grip and me, when I hold
something wey dey priceless, to leave am dey like
big work. I punched the air and screamed, my hand
holding my mouth tight. I was boiling over with joy.
“You are celebrating the devil”
My colleague who I believe had been eaves-dropping
my conversation suddenly spoke out.
“I will ask God for forgiveness later”
I replied him. He shook his head and went ahead to
tell me the story of a man who said he would give
his life to Christ at the last minute. He ended up
dying in an accident. His head was cut off from his
mouth upward. Now that story scare me, na so I
open my mouth like say I wan breath, sharpaly
exclaim silently sha:
“God forgive me.”
See, na normal thing to pursue woman o, but men, I
dey always fear make e no be when I dey give do’g’gy
style to babe na im trumpet go blow. How I wan
carry explain? Na utmost ffuucckking for hell be that
na and I believe say the puussyy go be chuku-chuku.
(Una don watch that Liberian girl testimony na)
“See you. Just continue for your misdeed”
He said.
“Your hell-fire go hot pass my own”
I shouted back at him.
Office through out that day was fun as I did things
that made other workers to stare at me. If you wey I
senior just say,
“Attai, abeg help me fetch water make I drink”
Normally, I go use bad eye look then warn you make
you no ever make that mistake again. For where.
This time, na speed I dey carry go fetch the water. I
dey do all those things just for time to run but the
time self just stiff die like say earth dey find am
difficult to rotate again. Pardon my pidgin. I know
say e dey hard una read sometimes.
I waited till closing time, 6:00pm. First time I did not
inform my boss I was leaving. I just went to where
my bag was kept. Opened it, sprayed my chinese
perfume for body. Entered into the restroom,
looked at my face and spoke some words of
encouragement to me. You know how they say, if
you don’t talk to yourself, who will?
I walked outside, entered the lift and stopped at the
last floor. From there I proceeded to walk to the
bus-stop. I no get car so babes, make una know that
one now. I had gotten to NNPC towers when my
phone rang. I looked at the screen, it was the same
number. I quickly picked it. I waited and the person
at the other end waited too. Sensing she wanted to
play with me, I opened my mouth…
“Only the sound of your breath is lifting me up here.
I can’t wait to look into those lovely eyes and express
myself proper to you.”
I thought I had dropped a great line.
“So na you dey disturb my babe!!!”
A voice thicker than Obasanjo’s own spoke from the
background.
“Ahh.. Bros, so na you?”
I said stopping dead on my tracks. I had already
gotten to my bus stop which is right on the bridge.
There you will see cars going directly to Nyanya,
Mararaba, Ado, New Nyanya (which happens to be
my bus stop) and Masaka.
“Yessss… Na me, any problem?”
He asked. His voice appeared thicker. Me? I was not
in the least beat scared o. If him wan form boss, na
for himself and na from person hand him collect the
toto from. Me ma wan collect the toto from am. I
had already gone into my archives to provide what I
would use in answering him and trust me, my mouth
dey sharp for this kind thing. If na face to face
confrontation, I for preach to am but as per say na
phone, I go show am say him no suppose to dey pick
him girl phone.
“So you are that guy that makes Perpetual cry all the
time eh”
I had made my voice stronger, giving it that iron
feel. Call me, I will speak in that manner to you if
you want (dudes only) but if you are a lady, I will
make my voice as soft as the wind. Na so in-between
your legs go dey scratch you somehow. No try me, I
mean am. My grandpapa teach me the juju well.
“Sorry?”
He was taken aback.
“Sorry for yourself. This is how you guys go around
breaking women heart and at the end coming to
monitor your sister’s phone”
It came out before I could stop it.
“Mr. Man, she is not my sister. She is my girlfriend.”
He said, his voice sounding loud. I removed my
phone from my ear. I would have cut the call but I
have the training on managing your anger during
call. I can scream at you all I want, you can abuse me
all you want but I will never drop the call on you. I
will have to say that normal “BYE and Have a Nice
Day”.
“It changes nothing. You cheat, you lie, you beat her.
Malam, that babe should be given some break.”
I dropped it. He could not reply immediately, it
looked like he was thinking of what to say.
“See, you better mind your business”
“Why would I mind my business? She is my cousin.”
I said silently.
“Sorry bros. No vex.”
I did not wait for him to finish before cutting the
call.

[nextpage title=”Episode 4″]
So I stand for bridge dey wait for bus abi car, in fact
anything wey fit just come. If you dey Abuja and you
no get car, you go understand wetin I dey yan. Na so
you go wait for bus stop make you enter car, you go
see half of the population of Nigeria dey wait with
you. If car mistakenly stop eh, na blow, punch, bite
and push them dey carry enter the car. Na so the
thing just be me. Kai… It wasn’t funny and still isn’t
wallahi.
I stood there for a very long time, maybe because I
was reasoning who the guy who had picked the call
is. Now, you know that feeling of you nearly getting
something, something special, then you discover
that someone else has it and even has no value for
it. The feeling of emptiness. That was exactly how I
felt.
“Masaka _ Ado, N150. No change!!! If you give me
five hundred, I no go return your money.”
I heard a voice screaming. I was lost in thoughts. I
lifted my head and saw Abuja Molue (Yes, you read it
right. Abuja has molue. Green in colour. Very old
and rickety and those guy? Hold-up doesn’t hold
them as cars clear from their way. Who would want
to brush body with a rusting car? Even if na them
brush you, them go rake about their constitutional
right till the point wey you go just forgive them)
coming to a halt. As expected, masses rushed
towards the car. Me? Kai, I was in the forefront of
the struggle. I no wan hear say this car leave me. If I
don’t get in, I will spend N200 but if I succeed enter,
I go buy Plantain Chips for N50. I be economist.
I had picked a seat close to the window (my best seat
during any car ride) and had settled down. People
were still trooping in.
“Move a little please”
I heard a voice say to me. Lol, I was 2going so was
oblivious of my surrounding. I adjusted a little, the
owner of the voice sat down. The voice was feminine
o but I did not look up, not until half of the person’s
a’r’se rested on my lap, I had to adjust. D–n!! That
a’r’se was soft. I looked up and saw a girl trying to
bring out her phone from her bag. The side of her
face was beautiful and I could see she was
dimpledified (una understand na). I swallowed a
little bit and waited for her to lift her face up
completely. She did and whola, her lips were as thick
as mama iyabo’s kpomo. Her bosom were so huge it
was pressing against the seat in front of us.
The devil got me thinking. Yes, put the blame of
every misdeed on the devil. I wanted to feel those
bosom. The ar’s’e had created its own effect, now is
time for me to create mine. I saw she was adjusting,
(the journey was yet to begin) looking
uncomfortable. I was there to comfort her.
“You can seat by the window while I seat there.”
Yeah, only half of her ar’s’e was occupying the seat.
“Thank you.”
She stood up while I came out from the seat. She
entered and sat down comfortably leaving only a
little portion for me. Thank God men have small
nyashes and what they lack in nyash, they have in
preeks (some men which I am lucky to be part of).
“Everybody don siddon? Oya driver, make we dey go”
Me? Siddon? Mba!!! I was wedged in-between two fat
people, a sumptious lady by my left and an obese
man by my right. I was f’u’cked.
“are you comfortable?”
The kpomo lips sporting babe asked.
“Yes, very comfortable.”
I replied. You can see the contortion of my face
from a mile. You will know I am being choked.
“Sorry eh.”
She said and placed her hand on my laps. Hmmm…
Signal!! Signal!!
“No problem.”
I could not even 2go again. I just abandoned it,
plugged my ear-piece into my ears and started
listening to Eminem’s “I’m a Soldier”. I am a great
fan of Eminem from childhood but if I hear say I fit
rap follow some of im raps.
As the journey started, she leaned and placed her
head on her hand on the front seat. Her bosom
stared at me without protection. The fatman was
already nodding his head while my di’c’k was doing
residential evil (the awakening). I acted like I wanted
to scratch my chest, arched my elbow and brushed it
on her gigantic b’o’o’bs lightly.
There was no bleeping reaction!! Memories came
flooding back. (TRAVAILS OF A MALE SECRETARY)
As I looked at the brea’ast, left one in particular
staring at me, na so my heart pick up rhythm. I just
dey look the bosom as e dey shake anytime wey the
driver wan accelerate or decelerate. Na so I just dey
imagine how the bosom go feel like. My elbow just
rest lightly on the bosom. Light for inside bus dey
off and other passengers ma just dey look dia front.
I decided to make firm my elbow which I used in
tugging at her bosom a little bit to see the reaction.
The babe acted like she was asleep. The music
playing in ma ears had turned to “Not Afraid” by
Eminem.
“Make una bring una money, gather am line by line.”
The conductor pleaded with us.
“And like I been say, if you no get change, your
money go become my own”
That part was a joke. The buses though are notorious
for delaying you each time you give them a higher
denomination and there’s no change.
“Bros, abeg you get change”
She spoke from within. Da fucckk my elbow was
pressing firmly on her bosom.
“Ehm.. No worry about the money”
Yehhh… N150 for pressing bosom. Fair enough. I
hear say ashawo dey charge higher for Abuja. In fact,
Nassarawa wey I dey. Me no dey do ashis sha but I
follow one of my friend go City Rock for Mararaba.
Na 700 the guy pay. Na me even bargain because
him say I’m must Bleep that particular girl. I swear
to God, the girl get belle. I no just tell am. When
him come back, I ask am how him carry Bleep… See
im reply..
“Na the first time wey ashawo dey gimme Canine
Methodology be that”
Me? I just laugh.
“Na sake of say she get belle na”
I reply am.
“No wonder. Na wetin make her dey complain.
Only God know how the pikin head go look like once
she finally born. The pikin suppose get migraine sake
of say the number of preeks wey go dey knock him
head no be here.
“Oga, no change o”
The conductor shouted at me. He squeezed his face
to look tougher. I was not in the mood to argue.
“When you see change, give me. And the money na
for 2 people self.”
I said to him.
“If I gat one shot, one opportunity”
Lyrics of ’8 Miles’ blaring through the speakers. Yeah,
Eminem seemed to know I was finding it hard to
make up my mind. The day had gotten dark and we
were stuck in the crazy hold up of Abacha Barracks.
Now, this molue usually manoeuvres its way out of
tight situations and in doing so, it usually follows
sides of the road. This causes the passengers to be
thrown against each other and is my perfect
opportunity to do things under the guise of being
shaken up.
Na so I removed my elbow, carry hand grab the full
bosom. I fit swear say the babe no even stare. The
fat man no send and everybody just dey shout make
driver take am easy. I held the bosom for some
seconds before I started fiddling with it. I fondled
and fondled, my preek charge and charge. Na so I
carry my bag wey I dey always keep for ground come
up. I rest am for my knee.
E be like na invitation. The babe hand ma just grab
my preek. I first pause, swallow spit come look
around. I wan make sure say coast dey clear for the
kind thing wey she wan do. Nobody even look back. I
felt like the only man in the world.
Una understand say if woman begin touch you, you
go get morale proceed. Na when she bone, you go
dey reason whether she dey vex. Na so e do me o. I
just turn my hand put inside her shirt. Now that
position dey uncomfortable but na how man go do.
Her hand wey dey handle my preek. E dey sweet me
so tay I feel say na cheating if I no grab ha natural
bosom without bra. Na dia I see myself dey play with
bosom like say na government job. The car sef just
dey make noise.
Small time, her hand comot from my preek. I come
dey happy say I don win, say she dey feel me pass.
Na when I hear my zippers dey go down na im I
know say I still be learner. Her warm hand dey my
boxers dey drag am up.
“Nyanya deyyyy!!!?”
The conductor shout. I freeze.
“Oga, move make I come down.”
A voice was saying from behind. My hand don comot
from her bobby o. But na so her hand don grab my
natural preek dey squeeze am. Men, na small, I for
just open my mouth say sssshhhh.
Journey continue o and e come be like say hold-up
no go dey Mararaba. I no know where the babe dey
come down. Na so I put hand inside my bag, retrieve
my wallet. Check inside, carry complimentary card
put for her hand.
“Marabha dey”
Na so the babe take come down. Oya, wetin make I
put my wallet for bag na sake of say eh, one una wan
enter car. Una go drag. Person fit drag your wallet
comot from inside your pocket.
“Hello”
Na Perpetual dey call.
“I really want to see you tonight. Let’s meet at the
cafe.”
Her voice sounded teary. I was alerted.
“I’m on my way.”
I was still at Ado junction. Just five minutes to New
Nyanya junction my final destination.

[nextpage title=”episode 5″]
I dropped at New Nyanya junction and strolled
casually to my destination. The internet cafe is
located in a place facing my street. Elder Ogba
street. I had passed the Market a little bit when I
heard my name..
“Attai”
I turned round to see tall Israel walking towards me.
“O boy, how far na”
He asked as he caught up with me.
“I bam o.”
I replied.
“Na where you dey go so”
He asked.
Now we all know that is a foolish question. One thing
is to see me dressed in working clothes, another is
to ask me where I am headed to.
“I dey go your father wife place”
I replied him.
“Baba, stop to dey play na. I wan introduce you to
one girl. She say she like you well well.”
He said to me. My ear twitched at the mention of
introduction, like and most of all, girl.
“I for like follow you o. But e get one babe wey me
wan go meet for plaza”
I answered him.
“Eh, make we go there together jor.”
He said and walked in step with me. Na so we begin
waka dey go o. I no even spoil my mind as to wetin
make the babe been dey cry. I just bone unto say e
fit be say something dey disturb am. Na so we reach
plaza, I look the environment, I no see babe. My
phone begin ring.
“Hello, I am seeing you. Walk into the street by the
side of the plaza, you will see me there.”
My mind cut. The street wey she just yan na one
kind dark street like that. The place to me na no-go
area for night o.
“O boy, na double pole street she say make we enter
o.”
I said to Israel. I could see the reaction on his face.
“How we go do now?”
He asked.
“Since you be my back-up, make we enter na”
I said to him. He nodded his head. We walked into
the Plaza and exited through its side gate. The whole
area as expected was dark. Now, we have electric
supply 24hrs daily but d–n it, those guys have
vandalized their transformers. The area is always in
constant darkness. From the darkness, all you see is
little glowing lights and white smokes. The air itself
is no longer oxygen, if there is any element like
igbogen, with formula I•2.
“Sssssss”
I nearly jumped out of my skin.
“I am here.”
Perpetual’s voice sailed through the darkest part of
the street to me. Israel and I walked towards the
voice. A black gate was there, there she was, dressed
in black too. She turned, pushed open the gate for
us. We walked in. A chair was placed at the extreme
end of the compound. We walked there and I
allowed Israel sit there while I stood and waited for
her to bring a seat for me. This she did. She brought
two. I sat on one while she sat on the other one. She
was looking at my face, I was looking at hers.
“I broke up with my boyfriend”
The door holding her tears broke open and water
flowed. It is only expedient for me to draw close and
hold her in a warm embrace. My shoulder was
getting all the tears and catarrh but to me, it was an
investment.
Before I could say.. Sex doesn’t kill, my shoulder had
become wet. Israel just sat voiceless not knowing
what to say or do. I too did not know how to comfort
her. Instead the nice smell from her hair which was
placed on my face was consoling me. Who says it
doesn’t pay to comfort a woman? People even say, “a
shoulder to cry on is a dicckk to ride on”. Figure it
out.
“Shhhhh”
I whispered into her ears. I was too taken back to
even ask her why he had broken up with her. Maybe
I was the cause, maybe not.
“Attai, I wan ball”
Israel whispered. Her arms were still round me so I
dismissed him impatiently. He stood up, I only
heard the gate shutting. Maybe he tiptoed away.
“What happened?”
I asked her.
“Ehm.. It’s a long story.”
Long ke? I have all the time. No time to do what
Nigerian actors do.
“I have all the time in the world.”
I said to her gently. She paused her embrace and
lifted her head and looked into my eyes. Now, that
moment passed slowly like in movies. I could see
stars flying around.
“Promise me you won’t break my heart”
Screecchhhh!!! Eh, when did I even get her heart that
she is talking about breaking it. Some girls can really
jump the gun.
“I won’t”
Now I did not say that, my diickk did. And before I
could say anything further, warm lips fell on mine.
Hey, don’t get it all wrong, she did not just throw
herself on me. I kissed back but not with as much
enthusiasm that she kissed me.
“I love you”
She whispered and lowered her head down shyly.
“I love you too”
My diicckk replied. Hmmm, this diickk no go put me
for trouble o. We gisted for some time, talking on
things, avoiding emotional things. That was from my
part though. I don’t get emotional with Kitty-cats I
wanna fuucck.
“I think I should be going.”
I said to her having spent close to an hour plus

[nextpage title=”Episode 6″]
So I stand for bridge dey wait for bus abi car, in fact
anything wey fit just come. If you dey Abuja and you
no get car, you go understand wetin I dey yan. Na so
you go wait for bus stop make you enter car, you go
see half of the population of Nigeria dey wait with
you. If car mistakenly stop eh, na blow, punch, bite
and push them dey carry enter the car. Na so the
thing just be me. Kai… It wasn’t funny and still isn’t
wallahi.
I stood there for a very long time, maybe because I
was reasoning who the guy who had picked the call
is. Now, you know that feeling of you nearly getting
something, something special, then you discover
that someone else has it and even has no value for
it. The feeling of emptiness. That was exactly how I
felt.
“Masaka _ Ado, N150. No change!!! If you give me
five hundred, I no go return your money.”
I heard a voice screaming. I was lost in thoughts. I
lifted my head and saw Abuja Molue (Yes, you read it
right. Abuja has molue. Green in colour. Very old
and rickety and those guy? Hold-up doesn’t hold
them as cars clear from their way. Who would want
to brush body with a rusting car? Even if na them
brush you, them go rake about their constitutional
right till the point wey you go just forgive them)
coming to a halt. As expected, masses rushed
towards the car. Me? Kai, I was in the forefront of
the struggle. I no wan hear say this car leave me. If I
don’t get in, I will spend N200 but if I succeed enter,
I go buy Plantain Chips for N50. I be economist.
I had picked a seat close to the window (my best seat
during any car ride) and had settled down. People
were still trooping in.
“Move a little please”
I heard a voice say to me. Lol, I was 2going so was
oblivious of my surrounding. I adjusted a little, the
owner of the voice sat down. The voice was feminine
o but I did not look up, not until half of the person’s
a’r’se rested on my lap, I had to adjust. D–n!! That
a’r’se was soft. I looked up and saw a girl trying to
bring out her phone from her bag. The side of her
face was beautiful and I could see she was
dimpledified (una understand na). I swallowed a
little bit and waited for her to lift her face up
completely. She did and whola, her lips were as thick
as mama iyabo’s kpomo. Her bosom were so huge it
was pressing against the seat in front of us.
The devil got me thinking. Yes, put the blame of
every misdeed on the devil. I wanted to feel those
bosom. The ar’s’e had created its own effect, now is
time for me to create mine. I saw she was adjusting,
(the journey was yet to begin) looking
uncomfortable. I was there to comfort her.
“You can seat by the window while I seat there.”
Yeah, only half of her ar’s’e was occupying the seat.
“Thank you.”
She stood up while I came out from the seat. She
entered and sat down comfortably leaving only a
little portion for me. Thank God men have small
nyashes and what they lack in nyash, they have in
preeks (some men which I am lucky to be part of).
“Everybody don siddon? Oya driver, make we dey go”
Me? Siddon? Mba!!! I was wedged in-between two fat
people, a sumptious lady by my left and an obese
man by my right. I was f’u’cked.
“are you comfortable?”
The kpomo lips sporting babe asked.
“Yes, very comfortable.”
I replied. You can see the contortion of my face
from a mile. You will know I am being choked.
“Sorry eh.”
She said and placed her hand on my laps. Hmmm…
Signal!! Signal!!
“No problem.”
I could not even 2go again. I just abandoned it,
plugged my ear-piece into my ears and started
listening to Eminem’s “I’m a Soldier”. I am a great
fan of Eminem from childhood but if I hear say I fit
rap follow some of im raps.
As the journey started, she leaned and placed her
head on her hand on the front seat. Her bosom
stared at me without protection. The fatman was
already nodding his head while my di’c’k was doing
residential evil (the awakening). I acted like I wanted
to scratch my chest, arched my elbow and brushed it
on her gigantic b’o’o’bs lightly.
There was no bleeping reaction!! Memories came
flooding back. (TRAVAILS OF A MALE SECRETARY)
As I looked at the brea’ast, left one in particular
staring at me, na so my heart pick up rhythm. I just
dey look the bosom as e dey shake anytime wey the
driver wan accelerate or decelerate. Na so I just dey
imagine how the bosom go feel like. My elbow just
rest lightly on the bosom. Light for inside bus dey
off and other passengers ma just dey look dia front.
I decided to make firm my elbow which I used in
tugging at her bosom a little bit to see the reaction.
The babe acted like she was asleep. The music
playing in ma ears had turned to “Not Afraid” by
Eminem.
“Make una bring una money, gather am line by line.”
The conductor pleaded with us.
“And like I been say, if you no get change, your
money go become my own”
That part was a joke. The buses though are notorious
for delaying you each time you give them a higher
denomination and there’s no change.
“Bros, abeg you get change”
She spoke from within. Da fucckk my elbow was
pressing firmly on her bosom.
“Ehm.. No worry about the money”
Yehhh… N150 for pressing bosom. Fair enough. I
hear say ashawo dey charge higher for Abuja. In fact,
Nassarawa wey I dey. Me no dey do ashis sha but I
follow one of my friend go City Rock for Mararaba.
Na 700 the guy pay. Na me even bargain because
him say I’m must Bleep that particular girl. I swear
to God, the girl get belle. I no just tell am. When
him come back, I ask am how him carry Bleep… See
im reply..
“Na the first time wey ashawo dey gimme Canine
Methodology be that”
Me? I just laugh.
“Na sake of say she get belle na”
I reply am.
“No wonder. Na wetin make her dey complain.
Only God know how the pikin head go look like once
she finally born. The pikin suppose get migraine sake
of say the number of preeks wey go dey knock him
head no be here.
“Oga, no change o”
The conductor shouted at me. He squeezed his face
to look tougher. I was not in the mood to argue.
“When you see change, give me. And the money na
for 2 people self.”
I said to him.
“If I gat one shot, one opportunity”
Lyrics of ’8 Miles’ blaring through the speakers. Yeah,
Eminem seemed to know I was finding it hard to
make up my mind. The day had gotten dark and we
were stuck in the crazy hold up of Abacha Barracks.
Now, this molue usually manoeuvres its way out of
tight situations and in doing so, it usually follows
sides of the road. This causes the passengers to be
thrown against each other and is my perfect
opportunity to do things under the guise of being
shaken up.
Na so I removed my elbow, carry hand grab the full
bosom. I fit swear say the babe no even stare. The
fat man no send and everybody just dey shout make
driver take am easy. I held the bosom for some
seconds before I started fiddling with it. I fondled
and fondled, my preek charge and charge. Na so I
carry my bag wey I dey always keep for ground come
up. I rest am for my knee.
E be like na invitation. The babe hand ma just grab
my preek. I first pause, swallow spit come look
around. I wan make sure say coast dey clear for the
kind thing wey she wan do. Nobody even look back. I
felt like the only man in the world.
Una understand say if woman begin touch you, you
go get morale proceed. Na when she bone, you go
dey reason whether she dey vex. Na so e do me o. I
just turn my hand put inside her shirt. Now that
position dey uncomfortable but na how man go do.
Her hand wey dey handle my preek. E dey sweet me
so tay I feel say na cheating if I no grab ha natural
bosom without bra. Na dia I see myself dey play with
bosom like say na government job. The car sef just
dey make noise.
Small time, her hand comot from my preek. I come
dey happy say I don win, say she dey feel me pass.
Na when I hear my zippers dey go down na im I
know say I still be learner. Her warm hand dey my
boxers dey drag am up.
“Nyanya deyyyy!!!?”
The conductor shout. I freeze.
“Oga, move make I come down.”
A voice was saying from behind. My hand don comot
from her bobby o. But na so her hand don grab my
natural preek dey squeeze am. Men, na small, I for
just open my mouth say sssshhhh.
Journey continue o and e come be like say hold-up
no go dey Mararaba. I no know where the babe dey
come down. Na so I put hand inside my bag, retrieve
my wallet. Check inside, carry complimentary card
put for her hand.
“Marabha dey”
Na so the babe take come down. Oya, wetin make I
put my wallet for bag na sake of say eh, one una wan
enter car. Una go drag. Person fit drag your wallet
comot from inside your pocket.
“Hello”
Na Perpetual dey call.
“I really want to see you tonight. Let’s meet at the
cafe.”
Her voice sounded teary. I was alerted.
“I’m on my way.”
I was still at Ado junction. Just five minutes to New
Nyanya junction my final destination.

[nextpage title=”Episode 7″]
Now, I have spent time trying to console someone.
In fact, a total stranger whom my diicck had adopted.
I had done all I could to make her keep quiet which
she did and now, I am stuck between the devil and
the deep blue sea. I can’t sleep in her house, my
body will be found pounded with pestle and cooked
with hot water. I can’t attempt to go outside. Those
guys smoking would strip me to my boxers. What do
I do?
Such was the delima I found myself in. Even though I
had announced my going, I had made no effort to
get up. I was still seated. I was doing all the
calculations in my head. I was still dressed in my
working clothes. My school bag containing my laptop
was still slung over my shoulder. My shoes which was
polished that morning and which I had just bought
the previous week adorned my legs. My clothes
were new too. Wahala ti de!!!
“I think I should be going”
I made the announcement again. What was I
expecting? An offer to sleep in her house?
“Owk love, good night.”
Now I’m fucckked. I asked myself questions only I
could produce answer to. What happens if my laptop
is taken away? The clothes no go be problem o, but
the laptop? Modem? Nairaland (Seun, make your
head no big), facebook? Kai, I enter one chance all in
the name of getting an extra pusssyy for my diicckk.
Kai, the brain in my diicckk really need to be
checked.
“Baby”
The first time I am calling her baby.
“You know I am so tired. This bag is weighing me
down. You should help keep it for me, I will send my
younger brother to collect it tomorrow.”
Like I had magic cowrie sewn into my tongue, she
just accepted the bag without questions. Kai, my
phones had miraculously found its way into my bag.
Don’t ask me how. Your brain processes information
and tasks at 10000000000000000 Zilabytes when
you are faced with very difficult tasks.
“Good night angel”
I kissed her lightly on the lips and pulled the gate
open. The babe no even follow me go outside self.
So much for love abi? I got outside and started
walking home majestically throwing my hands in the
air like I had no care in the world. My heart was
beating right in my brain. I swear no be lie. You
know when your pulse transfers from your wrists to
that tiny vein on your head and start doing “dut dut
dut”, that was exactly how I felt that night.
“Na where you dey come from without shoes na”
My younger bro asked immediately I stepped into
the sitting room. My breath was high but who cares.
Na only shoe na and seriously nobody asked me for
it. I only heard “hey hey hey”, and my legs kicked in.
The shoes found their ways out of my leg when the
acted as a decelerating force-field.
“From work na. But men, some agberos been dey
fight for junction walai. Na run I carry comot from
there”
I said breathlessly while I proceeded to the kitchen
to dish food for myself.
*******************************************
The next day, I had already left instructions for my
brother to retrieve my items from Perpetual. I was
in the office feeling uneasy and trying to
concentrate. No phone to play with, nothing to do.
Just sitting my black Bottom and browsing through
Nairaland. Each time I will have this feeling like my
phone is vibrating in my pocket but men, nothing.
I closed and got home to meet my brother watching
a movie on my laptop.
“Attai, I see your show for road o”
He said to me and smiled briefly while I frowned
and went to pick my phone. It was off. Well, I had
switched it off.
“Hello, Perpetual. Yeah. Thank you for yesterday. No,
can’t come.”
That was how the conversation flowed.
“I am not feeling too well. My stomach is paining
me”
She said, making her voice sound like a baby. My
brain processed the information the normal way so
my reply was in the normal way too.
“Sorry my love. I wish I am there right now. I would
have worked on it”
She paused.
“Go jor. You that say you can’t come.”
“Yeah, I can’t really. I am very busy right now. Loads
and loads of work to do.”
I replied trying to pacify her.
“So it is only sorry you will tell me ko”
Now where is she headed to.
“Lots of love baby, muah muah”
I blew kisses into the phone.
“mtchwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww”
You know that kind of his that make ones ear drum
vibrate. I pulled my phone out of my ear and looked
at the screen to be sure her lips were not going to
come out and s–k my ear drum outta my ear.
“Ah ah, what did I do na?”
I asked.
“Na only love I go chop? Abi na your kisses I go
drink?”
Kai, now that was harsh. But what was more harsher
is the next sound that followed.
“Kuchup. Kpoo kpoo kpoon”
She had dropped the call on me.
“Stylez”
I said referring to my younger brother.
“Go buy me MTN N400 own”
Moments later.
“Attai, I love you. You are the best thing that ever
happened to me.”
Okay, I know what you guys are thinking. I just
played the mugu. But to me? For every action, there
is an equal and opposite reaction. N400 no be child’s
play and I go draw the oil equivalent. If only the oil
would come quickly.
My phone started ringing almost immediately that I
dropped the call. It was a strange number. Owk,
every number for my phone dey strange. Una no fit
blame me na. Na so I pick the call.
“Hello, Attai?”
The person call my name like say e no dey sure and
na woman voice the person get self.
“Yes, na Attai”
I answer am back.
“It is me”
You who? I resemble magician.
“Sorry, I misplaced my phone so I lost all my
contacts. Don’t be angry, who am I speaking with.”
Any of una wey dey read this story wey don call me
before go understand say na so I dey take tell
person say I no get him number. Sometimes self, na
forget I dey always forget to save the number.
“It’s Hannah”
The next question wey suppose comot from my
mouth na “which of the Hannahs” but I dey craze? Na
so my former babe carry break up with me because
I mistakenly ask her, which of the Lindas.
“Hannah…. uhmm…..”
Just to but time.
“You gave me your card yesterday. We met in the
bus.”
Bingo, no Bruno, no Lucky, no Tiger!!!
“Yeah, I remember.”
“I tried your number a couple of times yesterday but
it wasn’t going through.”
She said, her voice dey sound like say she wan cry.
“I am sorry about that. There was no light to charge
my phone and my generator had fault”
Now, that is one big lie. Una no fit blame me na, you
have to do the do to get the pucci.
“Uhm…. Can I come?”
Chineke, the babe was leading me o. Naturally, my
diicckk kicked in and it replied instead of my mouth.
“Okay. Meet me at Oceanic Bakery. Do you know
there?”
I asked abi, my dicckk asked.
“Double-pole right?”
She asked back. Typical Naija girl. SHe even don
waka reach that ends self.
“Yes.”
I replied, I just dey pray make no be July f00l she
wan run for my head.
“Expect me in the next 15 minutes.”
She said and cut the call. Na which house self she
wan come? My sister place? For where. I quickly pull
my clothes, where white sleeveless, three-quarter
and palm-sandals. I look my brother, him still dey
watch film. I for like carry the guy join body but
men, this babe fit need something else o. I no forget
to carry my wallet sha. I pick my phone, dial my
friend wey him house dey closer to double pole.
Toto can really change the world. Me wey dey fear
double-pole wan attempt the place in the night.
What can toto not do?
“Gordon-kpokorrrrr!!!”
I hala the guy.
“Foxy-B in the building.”
No ask me o. Na my stage name be that.
“You dey your crib?”
“Yes, you dey come.”
“Big time. E get one game wey I wan run for there.”
I answered him.
“Oya na, I dey wait. Do sharp sharp come as I wan
comot self.”
Bingo!!! I pray make the parole make sense
ooooooo.

[nextpage title=”Episode 8″]
Na so I drag my three-quarter come up. The person at
the door was no other person than Gordon. The babe
just laid on the bed, dragged the bedspread over her
body.
I looked at my diicckk, the ar’s’hole
was still nodding its head. I opened the door which I had
bolted earlier. The was kpokor, smiling sheepishly and
looking me in the eyes. This dude need punch oo. He
dragged me outside.
“attai, men, so na you carry that babe pass.”
He asked. Men, I nearly mad. Na wetin make am come
knock the door stop me from fuckkiing the pu’s’sy wey I
hustle for? Kai, if no be him room, I for abuse am walai.
“Kpokor, make I finish fu’c’k I go tell you everything.”
I said hoping he would let me be.
“Make I greet am na.”
All this while we were speaking in whispers. Music was
blaring in the background.
“No na, she dey n’a’ked.”
I replied.
“Abeg, pass me that alomo. Man wey sabi”
He hailed me. Kai, let me deviate a little bit from the
topic. Why do I always get to fu’c’k the hottest chicks? I
go ask my mama. I know say me no fine like that but
d–n, I have seen some fine puss”i’es.
Na so I lock the door back as the guy collect the alomo
waka. Him squeeze something put for my hand, I carry
up look, na so I see say na enhancement tablet. God go
punish this guy o.
Babe say she no go do again, him carry tablet dey give
me.
“Who was that?”
Hannah asked as I settled down on the bed. I had
dropped the tablet in my combat pocket.
“My neighbour. The dude wan high oo”
I replied her. She just smiled. Me, I moved closer o.
I knew delaying would be a denial. I grabbed her
immediately and started handling her bre’a’st. She tried
to resist it but no way o, I increased the intensity of my
touches that she was soon squirming under me. She
grabbed my d’i’c’k, and was trying to insert it into her
pu’ss’y. Kai, no condom? You dey madt ni? Na me you
wan carry STD give shey?
I asked all these question in my mind. I quickly replaced
my diicckk with my finger. The moment my finger
entered into her possay, na so she fall back for bed o.
She begin dey moan. I dey watch blue film wella and I
don fu’cc’k girls wella. Na wetin this one begin yan I
never hear before.
“yeah baby, touch me… No no, roll your hands on it.
Not there, yes… right there…. ahhhhh…. push it deeper…
ahhhh… foxxyyy… you are killing me..”
For where. Na she dey kill me. Na she dey push me go
extreme with her moans. Na she dey make my dii”c’k
throb more than usual. Na she dey cause all these
things for my body so why she dey complain.
I no know when I put my second hand (I dey mad make
I use the first hand?) into my pocket, I know say I must
fu”c”k her. I dey finger am, my hand dey pocket. I
quickly put the drug for mouth begin lick am.
“Fu’c’k me now pleassseeeeee”
She was begging me. I no need any more invitation, me
ma need the fuucckk, I just need to make her lose total
control of her body which I just succeed do. I push hand
enter pillow, pick condom, carry am give the babe. Na
so she wear am for my preek sharp sharp come lie
down spread her led. I finger the toto one more time,
carry the same pillow put am for under her ars”e. I draw
close, hold my preek with one hand, the other hand rest
on top of the bed. I push the preek enter her toto, step
by step.
By step by step I mean, push, with, carry rub toto, push
again, withdraw, carry rub toto.
“Foxxxxxxxyyyyy….. Please… Don’t kill me.”
My preek for my hand don reach elastic limit as he take
strong. Kai, e come dey pain me small small. E be like
the drug na quick action o. Na so I ball in toto, push my
full length of preek inside. I carry hand hold support for
bed come begin give am the old school missionary
style. The pillow just make her Kitty-Cat wey dey collect
my preek maintain decorum. I begin whine am slow,
fast, slow, twist my waist clock wise, twist am anti-
clockwise. Push am enter….
Na so the toto dey make “hakdfch j;L C ;JFOD j;fj”
Una know the sound wey toto dey make when preek dey
enter na. Na wetin the thing just dey do be that. Men,
the babe dey sing before she begin talk again.
“I love the way you fuucckk me… Yes… You fuucckk
harddd…. Yeaahhh… OOOooooo… Ushhhhhhh”
I swear men my head scatter. E be like I carry person
wey dey act blue film come dey fuucckkk. Some girls
wild sha. I turn this bad go side, her knee dey like she
fold am, her Bottom dey press together. I begin chop
am for that position. I dey give am hard, the soft and
bubbly ar’s’e’ dey geve the impact levitation. “kpa kpa
kpa”. I turn her round, her ar’s’e just face me, I no dare
carry hand touch the toto o. I know say e go don scatter
like mayonnaise. I plug my preek begin fuckkk am for
that position.
“Please take it easy ooooo…”
Na lie o. I dey chop see say I dey advance to release. I
turn her round, she spread her legs, I plug preek, by
then I dey on my knees already. Na so I join the legs
together come fold one atop the other. Na so the toto
hold my preek strong. I begin fuucckk am for that
position. The way her cry begin ring eh, I fear oo.
“I want to pisssss…. I want to pissss….”
For my mind I dey tell her…
“Go ahead and piss… Go ahead and pisssss….”
Men, this babe begin beg me make she go toilet.
For where. I no gree. Na so she shake… gbidim
gbidim…
Bed wet. Her toto slack… She just release with one kind
shout… Kai…
“You made me piss on my self.”
Who? Me? Na for my friend bed you piss o. I reduce the
speed of the fucckk till her toto come hold my preek
again o. I fuucckk am sotay I release. D–n…
I was exhausted but my preek still stand o. I don
withdraw the preek from her toto, my akamu just full
condom.
“You look gentle o but you are very bad.”
Na the best thing wey she tell me throughout she come
be that…

[nextpage title=”Episode 9″]
Do you know I fell in love with you the first time I
saw you?”
Danger! Danger!! Na so my brain just dey sing o. I
come dey wonder wetin the babe dey even talk
about. Why she go just fall in love without knowing
me. Now, we both know say that talk no make sense.
I been dey office that time…
“Sorry Hannah, I am kinda busy now, why don’t we
talk later”
I tell her hoping say she go understand. My
Americanized boss just dey my desk side dey wait
make I drop call.
“It is a lie, you are with a woman.”
And so? I dey as I dey, tell you say I no get babe, you
go believe? I no tell her that one o. I just dey
imagine how some babes go dey believe smooth
talking guys like me self. You see as I dey carry make
you laugh smoothly, saying the right things, then you
come ask me silly question like:
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
Of course, we don prepare the answer already. Na
wetin some girls no just understand. Them dey wait
make we tell them the truth but for where, truth
always dey bitter. We go resort to wetin dey more
comfortable.
“Yes, I used to have”
Now, you are not lying to her. Sorry, if na me, I don’t
consider this as lying. I use to have a girlfriend but
as I dey with you now, na your own sure pass o.
“What happened?”
Na the usual question be that. Na so I go come make
my voice softer come do face like say I dey
remember many years ago as e dey nollywood film.
I go open mouth close am, open am again come
answer:
“She was unfaithful. Caught her with my best friend”
Na the best lie to serve any woman be that o. That
aside, make I continue with my story….
“No, I am not with anybody. I am in the office. I will
have to drop the call now please.”
Click. I dropped the call and looked at my boss. She
looked back and smiled like she knew what was
happening over the phone.
“You are running away from your responsibilities
eh?”
She asked in a playful tone. Madam, kai, very playful
woman but if you eff up eh, the way she carry mouth
finish you eh. She fit even remember wetin you do
her 50 years ago for matter wey you feel say dey
meager.
“No ma.”
I answered.
“Continue with what you are doing, I will call you
when I have more things written down.”
She said and walked away. No ask me… I don’t have
such thoughts towards people I work with. I am a
professional. I had barely settled down to my duties
when my phone rang again. This time it was
Perpetual. Don’t ask me o, her number had become
registered in my head. It ends with 064.
“Hello”
I answered in a husky voice.
“Hey baby, this one your voice is like this, hope you
are not fighting with me.”
Kai, she no even greet. Alright, no problem.
“Nope, we are not fighting o. Only have something
on my table right now”
I answered sullenly. I still dey wonder if she go greet
me but for where, wetin follow nearly make me
abuse her father.
“Baby, this one your voice is not sounding sweet, let
me allow you face your work o. But ehm, can you
send me MTN 400? My stomach is paining me.”
Jesus!!! When airtime become painkiller?
“Owk. I will, hold on eh. I will send it when I am less
busy.”
Na so I drop call carry hand put for head. Wetin I go
buy now? Carry problem wey no be my own put for
head. Choi. Na so I hurry do wetin dey my table go
downstairs go use ATM VTU take send the money. As
it is with guys, I don’t call after sending money to a
girl. I wait for her to sacrifice even if it is 3 Naira to
tell me she had seen it.
I went back to work, mostly browsing Nairaland sha.
Then it was Mazi’s Story that was trending. (Wetin
happen to that guy self?) After wetin for close to
three hours without any call, I decided to call her
just to make sure she had seen the card. This is the
conversation that ensured. Word for word.
“Hello”
I said as soon as she picked the call.
“So it is common N400 you can’t send ba”
I was shocked o. I swallowed my pride but the
bloody thing still came out so I had to take it easy on
her. She know how I hustle before I get that money
abi she no know say na huge chunk comot from my
monthly budget for miscellaneous?
“Wait na… Did you..”
I did not complete the statement.
“You claim to love me yet I am not seeing anything.
Just one request and you have not called me for
long.”
Kai, like she made any request the first time. Na so I
just dey wonder how I wan carry tell her say I send
her money through VTU. I never think finish when I
hear…
“kpoon kpoon kpoon”
She don drop call. One kind rage just fill my head. I
carry phone begin type text. I wan break up
immediately. I don finish type am wan send am
when I remember say I don invest N800 for her
head. Kai, the toto shall not pass me by. I delete the
text come type something wey dey more sober.
“You never gave me a chance to explain. I do love
you and will do anything to make you happy. Maybe
MTN decided to withhold the money I sent through
VTU to test our love. Well, I am going to the ATM
machine right away. Remember, it pays to be
appreciative.”
I insert the last line for effect purpose. I no reach 3
minutes wey I send the text na im her call enter.
Forget o, I no move one inch comot from my chair.
My father name na Babalola, not Dangote.
“Hello baby. I am sorry for shouting at you.”
I no say anything.
“I saw the money. I thought it was MTN that dashed
me money.”
Kai, I swear this babe na b’i’t’ch.
“Have you sent the one you said you are going to
send?”
Click!! I cut phone. This babe really dey out to chop
my money o. Na later I come dey see apology text
message. She even promise say she go change. Make
we see sha.
I did not keep my phone on my table when it started
ringing. It was Hannah calling. Since I was less busy, I
picked the call.
“Foxy, why are you doing this to me?”
Was the first question she dropped on my head.
Some babes can so think they own you because they
gave you toto to Bleep. I hate that thing eh. I Bleep
you no mean say I like you. Na mutual agreement
between the f—-r and the fuckee (Mazi’s
Dictionary).
“I am not doing anything to you. You said you love
me, I am happy about it.”
I answered her.
“Is that what you will say?”
See Jamb question.
“What else do you want me to say? I am even hungry
right now. I am yet to take my lunch”
I answered hoping she would cut the call. But the
reverse seemed to be the case.
“Sorry baby. What do you want to eat when you
come home?”
She asked sweetly. My ears pricked out. Now that is
what I am talking about. A girl playing the role of a
man because you have fuckeddd her well.
“Uhm, I think I will want something to swallow.”
I answered. There was silence at the other end
before her voice finally came up.
“I will have to go to the market o and you know this
is dry season. Ugwu is not readily available.”
Well, who cares? Not me.
“That’s what I want to eat o.”
I answered her sullenly.
“Owk, when are you coming?”
She asked.
“Coming where?”
I asked back.
“To my place na.”
Oh… This babe wan use me do ritual ni? How long I
know you when I go begin come your place.
“You know there is hold-up all the time. I will reach
your place when I reach it. Where will I even stop?”
I asked for description. Now, I am releasing
information o, the babe don move out from there
sha.
“When you drop at Maraba under bridge, cross the
road and enter into the park (before it was
demolished), take a bike and tell them you are going
to Aso, Assemblies of God church. I will come and
pick you there.”
The she emphasized.
“Please don’t disappoint me.”
Am I mad? Disappoint fire? Kai, free food, free toto.
Men, Aso, here I come!!!

[nextpage title=”Episode 10″]
Free food…. Free p’u’s’sy… Free bed for the
night.. If na so prison dey walai some people
go sentence themselves to life imprisonment.
Make una help me check this thing out na,
even if na you, babe call you, promise you
toto, promise you food and where to crash for
the night, you go dull?
After that call my mind was just thinking of
the things I would do to her body. Spending
the night with a girl should mean “All Night
Choping” na. Well, that single thought alone
made my diicckk to do the typing for me.
Kai, every where I looked in the office, I see a
beautiful n’a’aked body staring at me. I had
to go to the restroom severally because the
cold from the AC coupled with the crazy
e;rection of my diccckk was pissing me off.
Na so so piss (no wanking oo) I just dey
piss.
“Attai, you have been smiling since”
It was my colleague. Chei, this guy wan spoil
my mood.
“Yes o. I am so happy within me.”
I answered him hoping he was going to free
me.
“What’s the source of your happiness?”
See, normally I should be ignoring the guy
but getting him angry gives me the greatest
joy. You may call me a sadist o but most
time I derive as much pleasure getting people
angry as I make them happy. Such is life. I
don’t have to please you at all times.
“I am going for an all night”
Now that answer is the best and I wasn’t
lying. I was saying the truth in black and
white.
“Wow, that’s great o. It means you have
been listening to me.”
He said. Listening to who? Me listen to you?
You go die better die.
“Yes na, I want to model my life like you. You
know what Jesus said about them white-
washed cemeteries na?”
He looked at me confusingly.
“Did Jesus make any statement?”
I shook my head. The preacher is preaching
but is not grounded. These are the kind of
people that are easily toyed with. You see
them holding a big Bible but they don’t know
nothing inside.
“You eh. So you want me to start preaching
to you eh? You are supposed to be my father
in the Lord na.”
I said to him secretly enjoying the moment.
“Just tell me. I have not come across that
part before.”
Kai, this guy no do bible study when him be
pikin ni?
“Okay, I will tell you only this one time.
According to Jesus, cemeteries are beautiful
outside but are filled with unclean things and
dead men bones inside.”
See, I suppose be pastor o, make una pay
una tithe with the number for my signature.
Don’t give something that cost you nothing
o. Be like David.
“How does that relate to this issue here?”
He asked.
“See, I want to be doing holy holy outside.
When I am in the secret, I will do my bad
things. That way I will appear righteous in
your eyes. You know I don’t trust you.
Hmmm… Woe unto the hypocrites who show
holy holy when their sin is worse than our
own o. Your hell fire no be here.”
I concluded. He just stood looking at me like
he was contemplating what to say next.
“May God forgive you.”
Now let’s move to Catholic When the Priest
mentions a blessing on the congregation
during mass, they always reply him.
“All also you.”
I replied him. He just did this “holier than
thou” face and walked into his own office.
See me o. Why this guy wan spoil my day na.
Haba, all the imaginations wey I don get for
this matter, I no sure say I go allow am spoil
am for me.
“Hello, have you closed yet?”
That was hours later o. I had not so I told
her so. But men, conji had built up to an
“insummable” level that I had to look for an
excuse to skip office. I waited till my boss
returned then squeezed my face like one who
had diarrhea. I went to knock on her office
door.
“Yes Attai.”
I did not say anything, I just stood with that
face looking at her.
“What is wrong with you?”
She asked. Now I stepped in.
“I don’t know ma o. Maybe it is this okpa.”
I answered.
“I have always warned you to always watch
the way you consume that product. You
don’t know how it is made, the water that is
used. God, you might have gotten poisoned
from it now.”
Madam release me abeg. Make the poison
kill me sake of say I come tell you?
“Take this N3,000. Treat yourself. If you are
not strong enough, you can skip work
tomorrow.”
Chei!!! The best boss ever. I thanked her.
Collected the money and walked to my table.
Picked my bag and crawled out. As soon as I
got to the lift, I was healed miraculously.
Believe in miracles ooo…
Sometimes e dey get as e dey be when nature
wan punish you. You go don put high hopes
for something finish, na so your hand go
come fall. Na wetin me I experience be that
o. But that no be wetin happen. For example
now, if person promise me money, I no dey
include am for my personal budget because
the person fit fail me.
I left the office feeling high and mighty. I felt
I had the best brain in the world. Work closes
by 6pm but I left around 5pm. My plans was
to get into the hold-up (we don’t call it
traffic in Abuja. You can spend 3hrs in a 20
minutes journey) quickly. I was singing loud
to my song, “Celebrity” which I did earlier
that month. Men, I was feeling the lame lines
I was throwing in.
I got to the bus stop. You know, they said
Goodluck Ebele Jonathan was passing, only
God knows where that guy goes to. Whenever
he is passing eh, all the roads are blocked
for security reasons. No be say the man go
even come outside come wave person self. So
no one should be standing on the bridge
beside NNPC Towers. Kai, I had to move to
Massalaci junction to get a car. Cars were
not coming, policemen had stopped all of
them. Goodluck was like 1 hour away. That
was how I waited for an hour. After Goodluck
passed, the roads were reopened. People who
had closed came to join us and we became a
crowd of people waiting for cars.
“Nyanya N150.”
Some drivers could be so wicked. Going to
Maraba is N100, Nyanya goes at same price
but everything tripled that night. Nyanya
became 150, Maraba N200. Kai…. I was
really angry. I had budgeted the money given
to me by Madam so aint no way I am
forming big boy o. I waited and waited before
this El-rufai came o. El-Rufai (Abuja) = BRT
(Lagos). Na so I push, drag, pinch before I
succeed enter inside car. Everywhere dey full
and na to stand na im remain.
Na so I stand for car o, car begin drive, we
reach AYA realize say na from there hold-up
start from. Men, na so my leg pain me till we
reach Nyanya. Na from there I climb another
car. I reach Maraba I don already tire finish.
Men, I just dey come down, I comot Phone
call this chick tell her say I don reach, na so
she shout give me. Men, I begin happy o as
she tell me say she don cook finish. She been
think say I go disappoint her. D–n… Me?
For free toto, food and bed? Maka gini…
I had crossed over the road to the other side
clutching tightly on my phone. I had made
the first call codedly so I was not planing on
risking it the second time. Those guys with
eagle eyes must have sighted me. The boys
dey snatching phone from car wey dey drive
120 km/h, my own go be play be that na. I
remember when them been collect my phone.
I been dey use one confirm express music
and I just landed Abuja newly. I was leaving
for the hotel I was employed in very early in
the morning. I had brought out my phone to
download games. I never knew one of them
phone-snatchers saw me. The guy trailed the
car till it was about to leave the hold up. He
struck, kai, I held my phone tight but he
twisted my fingers and removed it from my
hand.
I been think say heart attack wan catch me.
Na so my phone carry go? Everybody for car
begin tell me sorry. Even the mumu driver
dey tell me talk say him been wan tell me
but im mind comot from there. As I reach
work begin yan people the story, all of them
come dey tell me say na mumu I be. Me?
mumu? Sake of say person force phone
comot from my hand o. I no blame them.
How I for do am? CHase am when my seat
belt (I sat on the front passenger seat) hold
me down like captured goat?
As soon as I entered into the park, I went
straight to where bikes were parked. Picked
one, bargained and hopped on it. I was
feeling the gently breeze that brushed my
face as the journey progressed.
“brrrrrrrrr”
My Nokia begin ring. I pick am look the
name. Choi, my belle sweet me die. Na one
confirm babe wey me dey like for Nairaland
na her dey call. I pick call begin yan with her
but along the line she begin tell me say she
no dey hear me. I tell her say make she call
me later say I dey on top of bike dey go
house. For where?
I got to Assemblies of God at Aso, picked my
phone confidently since the phone snatchers
don’t operate in the inner part of Maraba and
called this girl. She picked it at the first ring.
Minutes later she appeared. Na so she wear
one blue top on top [lo](lol) black skirt come
carry head-tie cover herself like Hausa girl.
“Attai, I miss you.”
Miss? When we see?
“Me too.”
She come hug me. Na so signal waka enter
my brain because her kind of hugging na the
one wey them dey carry hand take hold
preek.
“where is your place?”
I no wan waste time o.
“It’s over there. We have to be quiet about it.
I don’t want my landlord finding out.”
I only nodded and allowed her lead me
through twists and turns of the ghetto
looking Maraba. We entered into her
compound and straight into her room. The
place looked like the normal student abi na
spinster room self. Bed on the rug carpet,
bags hanging on the wall, a wardrobe full of
clothes. Tell me why women like clothes pass
men. The most beautiful thing in the room
was the pot that was still steaming on the
fire. The aroma wasn’t clear though.
“Please take that pot outside. I hate smoke”
I complained to her which she quickly did.
She came back to meet me laughing over the
phone. The female Nairalander stayed on the
call for close to 20 minutes after which I
bade her goodnight with sweet words. Jeez,
this babe was right there. She did not
interrupt the call. She waited for me to finish.
“Who was that?”
She asked.
“A friend.”
I replied curtly. It is only women that are
allowed to have male friends. Men are not
allowed o. You are either with them or with
nobody.
“A friend ba? So you keep girlfriend for house
wan come fu’u’ck me ba?”
That’s how raw she can get with her mouth
o. I was just starting to realize that I had
entered one-chance.
“It is not what you think o. Give me food
make I eat jor.”
I sort of commanded her. She obliged my
request but I refused eating the food until
she joined me. I no wan hear say na only my
stomach go swell-up. I no care if she hide
the anti-dote somewhere.
“Who was that girl you spent so long a time
talking to?”
She dropped the question again. I looked at
her and swallowed. I had finished eating,
gone to bathroom, freshened up and was
only putting on my boxers. She had stripped
herself n’a’ked and was lying close to me.
If na you, how you wan carry tell her say na
“so cute was the bliss” call?

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