Ushhhhhhhh… Ashhhhh”…. Take it easy, you are
She sang into my ears.
What I heard was:
“Do it faster, I need it faster… Harder!!!”
Me just stepped on the pedal and pumped away. I
was hitting her deeply, paying with her inner cacus.
The sensation I was receiving was really worth all the
suffering I had gone through just to get her.
“I will sue you for Molesting me o”
She said breathlessly as I turned her round and
began the canine style on her. Sue who? Me? She
never jam. I would be the first to sue her. I know
you guys might think I am crazy, but I am not. Oya,
let me rewind it so you will know why I would want
to sue her.
I had met her in an internet cafe. I was already done
browsing but the time still remained. Internet cafe
these days no longer install that software that
automatically shuts you down when your time is
over. It was really that good.
I lifted my head to look at the cafe attendant, just to
determine his position. He was seated concentrating.
Lol, my mind went back to when I was a cafe
attendant. All my spare time were used in watching
por’n online. I believed that was the exact thing he
“How much is 30 minutes”
I heard a lovely voice said. I looked up again to
behold the loveliest face I had ever seen. She was
not fat and was also not on the slim side. Just my
exact kind of woman. I was perplexed. Now, I
wanted to approach her but my liver had ran away
from my body. It was just me, I and my world.
She had settled down after purchasing an hour of
browsing time. I was watching her. The first place
she entered was facebook. I was excited. I peeped
and saw her name, searched for her immediately
and added her. She received me almost
immediately. I sent her a message.
“Hi, can I have your number please?”
Bleep it. I was trying to put words together in my
“Oga, you time don finish o.”
Chineke. No problem. I was happy I had established
contact. What remains is to go through her ABOUT
and find out if her number is there.
I got home and could not sleep. I could not even eat
and I had sweat pouring all over me. Wait, no mind
that statement there, I am only trying to sound
poetic. I ate all I wanted, had a perfect dream and
was so relaxed my sweat glands began protesting.
All through, I was busy thinking about this girl. Her
beautiful features. Her smile, don’t ask me how I got
to know how her smile looks. Owk, I will tell you.
When I requested for her number, she looked at me
and smiled. Which green light green pass wetin she
I got to the office on Monday morning and quickly
went to the history of our chats. Like say we even
chat many self. I clicked on her name and whoosaa,
her page flew open. I did the first thing. Scroll
through her pictures. They were all stuning and I was
busy clapping in my mind. I had landed jackpot.
“Attai, why are you smiling like a fish na?”
My colleague asked me. I looked at him. He was
always this pastor type and me was always thinking
and feeling that he is a virgin. Lol, a man being a
“O boy, na one babe wey I hammer o. Her own don
I replied him.
“See, Attai, you need to change. Following women is
not good. You have a bright future ahead of you.”
“See this man. Tell me say you no fuucckk pass me
for your past life na”
I asked him.
He just shook his head and wanted to walk away. I
stopped him with my speech.
“If na Jesus now, him no go give up on me like you
just do o. Your hell fire go so hot pass my own
because I go lay allegations for your head on
judgment day wella”
He shook his head the more, like he was planning to
“Attai, may God forgive you”
And in the catholic fashion, I replied..
“And also you”.
Now that is bad. I kept looking at the pictures,
imagining her lying on the bed Unclad. How would
her Kitty-Cat look like? Kai, I was already fuucckking
her before I got my hands on her. My dicckk from all
those thoughts had become as hard as iron and I was
sweating under the AC. See me o. Me wey no sweat
before, na me wan begin sweat now, no lele sha.
“Attai, madam dey call you”
Me? Yesu, I don enter. How I wan carry go face that
woman now. See as my pole wire just tanda dey
salute my tight plain trouser. No ask me o, I dey like
make my trousers dey hug me sometimes. Sha, the
girls for my office don teach me lesson. Anytime
them see me, na to dey look my preek.
“Ma, you sent for me”
I spoke in my oyibo-film induced English. Who would
not want to impress an American-trained
professional? Her English self and the way she dey
carry talk am make me know say Ishilove and
Princesa still dey kindergarten for Use of English.
“Yes I did”
Imagine say na Queen Elizabeth dey yan this one.
You know how Englishmen dey speak their English
na. That kind Harry Potter them. Well, Naija women
wey school for America dey speak Britannica, me
wey school for Kano and don watch all the American
gangster movies must speak like them na.